Make reality great again.

I've always been a mind over body person. In junior high disregarding the P.E. and clinging to art history instead. The intellectual had always had much more value than the physical. Look at me now with MA in film (aka making up stories or rocking your brain to show the real ones in spectacular ways.) And with the only exercise routine limited to sex.

I've trained myself to use my imagination. Paint vivid scenes of my never-to-be-experienced future, that never leave my head.

And I believe that is the problem. Being prone to put my energy into thoughts instead of action. Running around in circles trying to present my case for a certain endeavor to the jury. Consisting solely of a wide array of voices in my head. (Not schizophrenic, just INFJ.)

The other day, in meditation, a certain euphony came to me: I so rarely experience reality. When I do, it tends to be utterly disappointing.

But how in hell can it be a crazy rollercoaster of joy and creativity if I DO absolutely NOTHING to make it so?

Hence the idea to make reality great again. As they say: the grass is greener where you water it.

And this post is a start. There's more to come. Get ready.

Recharging Female Power

Oh, orgasms. If you had one you know how magnificent they feel. And if you're not sure if you had one, you didn't. Should I even get started on the medical and psychological benefits?

Our physiology results in them being a shutdown button for males and a restart one for females. This information is an important stop on the route of my train of thought.

The other day I was plugging in my magic wand. I found it funny that every time I do that I have to plug out my phone charger first.

Then I had an epiphany of the sort Todd from "BoJack Horseman" would have. Maybe the array of sex toys girls use is just a charger for our will to live?

With the drained battery, I know myself to be irritable, thin-skinned and frankly danger to myself and others. Operating in power save mode makes life hardly enjoyable. And after the feel-good hormones shot straight from between your legs? Highly tolerable again.

Another aspect of magic wand charger is independence. You don't have to rely on your partner(s), just the electricity in the socket.

What could I do with so many thoughts?
Yes. A film.

Here it is.

Brief Acclaim

It was my birthday this week and my beloved packed me into a car and drove to the lake.
I'm not doing that well these days and it was a desperate effort to brighten up my mood.

We walked alongside the gloomy, but beautiful body of water and finally saw the clearing in the clouds. It soon got swallowed by darker, heavier ones.

Not 5 minutes later, save back in the car, we watched the sudden rain and other people fleeing from the beach.

It made me think about all those brief and bright moments I've experienced in my life. The chances I never took the full advantage of. Those victories that became amazing stories instead of a steady and shiny career. The red carpet walk drowned in trauma by the unexpected death of a lover.

So, in eford to become a version of myself I actually like (more than a winy, depressive bitch), I made a video about it.

You can watch it here.

That thing about loving yourself.

In this witchy, New Age, pseudo quantum physics headspace I'm currently in, nothing matters more than loving yourself. Practicing enlightened self-talk until you become a person who materializes the best experiences ever with your magnetic mind.

Still with me?

The fact is, I became that person when it comes to love. After my previous relationship ended and  I managed to survive yet another relapse of depression, I got really specific about the kind of relationship I wanted to create. And the partner I wanted to attract. Last summer I had my last romance, which showed me exactly what I needed. Via contrast of course. The frustration about what I wasn't getting and able to give, allowed me to pinpoint the specific characteristics.

So there I am, lying in my bed alone, missing my man - my unlikely gift from the Universe. He's not gone, just away for a couple of days.

3 am and I can't sleep. Smelling his T-shirt only made the yearning worse. I needed his presence right now! Missing him physically hurt.

What I learned from my many therapies was to question and investigate the thoughts and feelings. (Go CBT!)

ME: So, what exactly do I miss?

ALSO ME: Well, the feeling of love and acceptance I experience from him.

ME: Can I give that to myself?

ALSO ME: No, I despise most of the things about me right now.

ME: What traits he may love about you? Can you acknowledge they exist? Can you surround with love at least those aspects of yourself?

ALSO ME: *thinking intensively*

I went through every reason he may still be in love with me. I mentally hugged or high fived each of them.

As I was going through the process I started feeling lighter and calmer. And finally managed to fall asleep. All comfy on the pillow of self-acceptance.

The thing about self-love is: it's an approach to yourself. Asking questions and finding ways to raise your vibe back up. Loving yourself unconditionally out of my reach yet, but I'm hopeful to get there.

For now, self-love to me is like pizza or an orgasm - some is better than none.