How to get over not getting everything you want the moment you want to get it?

As I live my life with my heart open and brain tuned to awe the emerging record of it approach is my art.

Four years ago, I published a book via Amazon print-on-demand as another flirtation with e-commerce art. It was titled: How to get over not getting everything you want the moment you want to get it?: Non-existent self help book my M M Cap

I actually put this query into Google. "How to get over not getting what you want". I was hoping to find a self-help book to solve all my problems, but I didn't. To ease my pain, I decided to design a cover for a such a book.

Initially, it was intended just to be a mock-up of a cover for the book I wish existed. Deep in the process of creation, I managed to detach from the frustration with reality I was experiencing hence found my answer. I went on to design the content of the book as a meditative experience for the reader. 

I considered the listing on Amazon self-publish section to be the final shape of this artwork. However, it can expand beyond that once ordered, printed and read by a human, initiating the same detachment for them.

Listing for Vol 1.

Its content were words: "I don’t know yet" sliding down and up the page. 

Last week I did it again. How to get over not getting everything you want the moment you want to get it vol 2?: Detachment exercise book hosts and actually hopes to share the only way I found so far.

At this point, I need to be honest with myself and presume that in the coming years I will become even wiser.

I went ahead and categorised the books as a series. I wonder how soon I will come up with the next solution. Or start getting everything I want the moment I want to get it?

Listing for Vol 2.

nesting in a comfortable delusion

Comfortable delusion, 2019 (project)

Intallation

How often do we subconsciously choose to perceive the more convenient option?

As usual, this piece was sparked by a personal experience. One summer, when I was hired as a translator between the bands and sound technicians at a music festival, we arrived at the event a day early. Slightly bored, I waited for the stage crew to finish setting up all of the equipment.

I started meditating to pass the time, and one of the huge speakers went from music to static. And my awareness went from my breath to a memory of a sunny, quite chilly Baltic Sea beach I meditated on 2 years before.

As the sound spread all over the area, I felt tangibly transported to another place. My brain was hearing the waves, and who was I to set it straight? I settled into the experience.

After a while, I experimented with opening my eyes and looking directly at the speaker. Then closing them and retreating to the memory. Despite the conscious knowledge of what exactly emits the sound, my brain was perfectly happy to attribute it to the waves once I looked away from the speaker. 

It even invented an irregular crashing rhythm.

Fascinated by what I observed, I repeated the static and waves combination at home. Screen with the image and speakers in sight. Both false attribution and filling in the blanks were still present. Even though the source of the sound was clearly visible.

We, as humans, can intellectually understand something that isn’t true and still perceive it to be so. It’s not just the case of the suspension of disbelief when we allow our emotions to run free while watching a narrative fiction film.

It is our senses losing their grip on the true stimulus, and our brain course-correcting it.

It made me wonder how many mistakes like that happen in our day-to-day. Colours, smells, and sounds are always at risk of distortion at the mercy of our minds. What if we don’t always grasp the true source of the sensory input?

Once notice is taken of how eager one’s brain is to fill in the gaps, it begs the question of how it influences social interactions. Are environmental and political issues affected by the false attribution as well? How often do we hear the waves that just aren’t there?

Lastly, what fascinates me the most about this phenomenon is the question: what would happen if we simply ignore the true origin of an experience? If we choose to live comfortably in an illusion?

What happens when, and how often does it happen, that we are aware of the root cause of a problem, but a simpler, more appealing explanation is just convenient?

We end up nesting in a comfortable delusion.

Down the Witches' Road!

M. M. C., 2025

Installation 

Dimensions site-specific

It consists of 3 layers, one physical and two non-material. The first layer uses curtains from my own apartment to create an atmosphere of intimacy in this most personal work yet.

Three small works are arranged in a circle, which represent the stages of a woman’s life: Maiden, Mother, Crone.

Each of them has a corresponding QR code leading the viewers deeper into the complex ideas behind each work.

Like many of my other works, most of the art actually emerges in the minds of people interacting with it. As artists, the fruits of our feelings are on display; we wish them so. My private thoughts, however? Here, going deeper requires an exchange. Your data plan and the processing power of your smartphone for my deep conclusions. 

Also, like every altar nowadays, a sacrifice of your attention is required. 

Unreal Fortune

 

In May of 2020, I filled jars with air from the meadow and put them up for sale on Etsy for a horrendous price. That work was about putting value on invaluable resources such as, at the time, COVID-free air. Air which wasn’t cycled through over and over again. As opposed to the air in apartments of people forced to quarantine.

None of the jars sold yet and I've been living with 10 jars of air priced at 15 000 € each for 4 years now. It’s a curious state of quantum superposition. They are worth that much because I proclaimed it so. They are not worth that much because no one paid for them yet. 

As a result, I’ve been walking through life as a struggling artist and a very rich person simultaneously.

The title has a double, not determined meaning. On the one hand ‘unreal fortune’ can be seen as ‘unbelievable luck’. On the other hand, it’s just ‘virtual, imaginary wealth’. As the idea and collection of jars - they have no problem existing without either being classified as truth. Until they are sold that is.

The way in chose to have the work documented in 2d photographs was by setting the focus of the lens on the air in the jars as it is the true object of this not yet finalised sale.

Overall the work speaks about a possibly delusional hope for a big break, patience and unwavering faith.

Reach out to me at michalinamcap@gmail.com to arrange a private sale.

Reel Poetry

What if my words, the acts of capturing images and putting those together became fun again? Without the heavy weight of professional standards, I chose to internalise during formal education. Without the compulsion to create the best thing ever every time I set out to create anything.

My journey coming back to myself truly started on the new moon in October last year. I was visiting my home village and went to meditate in nature. Sitting down quietly in the tall grass in the dark I heard movement by the river. I realised it was most likely wolves and I was there hiding, acting like prey. That's not the most comfortable feeling. I had a choice to run away - like a deer would. But it became clear to me at that moment - I have the same right to be in that meadow (my Holy Meadow) as they did.

So I did what a proper witch would - played a song, sang along and danced. I didn't stop to listen if they were gone. I was too busy with my own voice and (quite erratic) movement. I was calling in all the confidence I'll need to stop hiding and apologising for being here once I get back to Berlin and to my daily life.

I had those little poems in my notes app some of them for years. They wake me up sometimes, I write down those combinations of words that just flow and vibrate. Only after collecting all my experiences to put them up on a website I realised that it all started with poetry. The date of my words being published in the local magazine coincided with my first period. Quite a clue regarding my kind of fertility if I do say so myself. 

The technological progress since I left school cannot be underestimated. What took 2 people and a heavy set-up can now be accomplished with my third-hand iPhone. What needed a powerful computer in an editing suit can be put together in an in-browser app.

In conclusion, I have officially proven to myself that creating can feel light, fun and joyful. Like going braless wearing a long flowy dress that hardly weighs anything on a hot summer afternoon.

Videos:
Reel Poetry 1
Reel Poetry 2
Reel Poetry 3 will remain private for now
Reel Poetry 4
Reel Poetry 5

Knockoff Immortality

Don’t get me wrong, our brains are brilliant. They can detect danger and keep us away from anything remotely scary. The problem is, they’re running prehistoric software in a 21st-century environment. And us, users are left to save positive input manually.

To illustrate this process I created Knockoff  Immortality. The project started with the feeling of being celebrated on my 29th birthday that I simply refused to allow to die. As the tangible representation of that abstraction, I choose the bouquet from my Beloved. I took my sweet time separating the flowers and selecting then drying particular specimens. I recorded the whole process for good measure. I could have stopped there as the preservation stage was complete. But the surest way to immortality I know is becoming art.

This time I had a professional photographer in my studio to document the process. Very meta when it comes to a conceptual art piece about making an effort to remember a feeling. Under the watchful eye of the camera lens, I assembled 3 unique compositions sizing them to fit carefully chosen second-hand photo frames.

Photo by Zbigniew Izdebski @zbigniew_i

They would not last forever but neither will I. The physical representations of being appreciated are here to stay in the reality I share with others. But more importantly, I created a metaphor for noticing the positive feedback from the world and dedicating the time and effort to commit it to my long-term memory.  A function not included in our automatic programming, but essential to our well-being in the times we live in. 

Mine and of Me is to Create

Mine and of Me is to Create, 2022
embroidery on paper felt using plastic beads and a meditation mantra
21 x 29,7 cm

(Cat for attention)

As you may know, I failed to at 27 and the 28th year of my life is about connecting with what I would grow up as if I didn't fall in love with the idea of joining the club.

The base is a sheet of paper felt that I brought with me the last 3 times I moved. The first batch of beads was a Christmas gift from my primary school era. There weren't enough of them and I had to put the project on ice for a while. | I needed to figure out how to proceed. Buying new beads would defeat the purpose of combining of reaching back to my past in this artwork. It wasn't about the cost, but rather about buying new plastic non-essentials. It goes against my values especially if it was to be shipped to me from far away.

I was browsing second-hand plates and unopened bed linens as an alternative to shopping in IKEA. The inspiration struck me and I found a bunch of beads. They seemed like remnants of someone's abandoned hobby, eager to be turned into something more.
At that point, the whole artwork became about combining the past and the person I am today.

Embroidery was something I learned from my grandma. Historically, however, it was used as a tool of oppression. The quiet and meticulous activity to keep women on the sidelines of history. Now, having so much spare time to carefully attach beads to a sheet of felt feels like a luxury.

Especially if those beads spell out a mighty powerful phrase. The tone is inspired by those Bible quotes people cross-stitch. But those are my words. Words describing me.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am most likely not going to die at 27.

"LONGER", 2021
plastic beads on wire embroidered on a sewing tape
1 x 19 cm

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am most likely not going to die at 27.

My existence on this planet, thoughtlessly ruined by species I'm a member of, won't last forever. I even have an understanding that it will be a blip compared to the lifespan of this planet, let alone the universe.

As a woman with my first wrinkles showing up I feel I'm passing my prime really quick. Oh, I'm blooming alright. Fully developed femininity with hip to waist ratio like never before. 

The issue is, I'm the exact age, I dreamt of dying when I was all hippy and teenage. I used to fantasize a lot about being picked at this exact point of maturity. Being cut, put in a vase, and drying up there, on the show. To achieve my final stage of development and disappear. Taken out of the further growth equation. 

What my teenage mind failed to notice is the fact that
humans arent flowers or fruit. (and to think I was considered gifted...). There is no final blooming form for us. Human life, provided the privilege of being born in western Europe, is pretty damn long. Life expectancy, even factoring in the destination of nature is on the rise. Moreover, as a woman, I'm very likely to outlive most of my male lovers. One already down, but I blame it on the age gap and heart condition.

My point is, no one hammers into you that life can feel very long, but society will only see you as desirable for not even a half of it. "Life is short" stands in direct contradiction with even a thought of setting a retirement plan. "You won't be here forever" does not feel like "the time you're here is enough to experience the human condition, whatever it may be". Seriously, when was the last time that the sense of urgency benefited anyone's long time efforts?

I think I was so comfortable with the fantasy of dying young because the amount of time it will actually take me to go is just overwhelming. I'm possibly not even halfway through and it already feels like an action and emotion pact saga with too many random events to comprehend. It makes me think about Lars von Tier's Nymphomaniac, where the second part gets wild and grim. And isn't even the end of the protagonist's life.

And I'm scared. I'm scared of the pain and suffering that comes with old age and disease.
I'm scared of not being desirable anymore.
I'm scared about not achieving my dreams not because I died young and never got the chance to, but because of my own lack of dedication or more likely courage.
I'm scared of my partner having regrets about not fathering a child when we both reach our 60's, me taking the blame on my shoulders and stroll with it right to my death bed.

As I said, I'm coming to terms with the idea of living past the age 27. I march into the unknown and with my fears and frustrations beside me. But I march nevertheless.

Some Air You Haven't Breathed With Yet

Selling air seems like a ridiculous idea, but is it? 

Firstly, I need to point out my privilege - I am lucky enough to have access to a private meadow, where wearing a mask is not mandated by law.

Pre pandemic breathing wasn't something I gave much thought, outside of meditation. However, my first deep breaths out of self-isolation were uncanny. Out in the countryside, in my parents' backyard, I realised something was very different. I was no longer re-inhaling the invisible content of my apartment. I was taking in some air I haven't breathed with yet.

This artwork is about value. If and what and why we place it on certain things. To perform inception on people coming across my work I decided to deploy a slightly immoral marketing tactic. We tend to perceive more expensive items to have more value.

Fresh air is not only free (in theory), but also priceless. Lack of a price tag oftentimes gives the impression of the lack of value. I manufactured this illusion in reverse.

My aim with "Some Air You Haven't Breathed With Yet" is to envoke the appreciation for simple yet invaluable sensations and experiences and champion paying attention to them.

SHOP NOW

Full commercial

If you wish to support me: Patreon and Paypal.me

Art in the Time of Covid 19

Backstory

I've been putting off setting a proper appointment with a curator of the only local gallery for weeks. And then the pandemic happened.

I was ready to take the "Symphony of Perception" to the next level. You see, I did a pilot exhibition in my apartment last autumn. Navigating the muddy waters of fine art is still challenging for me. First and foremost I wanted to check if the idea that I had - giving people choice over the soundtrack - can be considered art.

To the few people that managed show up among a few invited, it was. And it was a decent example of it as well. I trusted their opinion and kept working up the courage to contact the gallery.

I woke up after an illness and found all the events canceled or postponed. But everyone was online.
Since I've shown my art in my own apartment, why not show it in everyone else's?

My motivation is to evoke the sense of wonder with the reality in as many people as possible.

And let's be frank, we're all stuck at home anyway. :)

What's "Symphony of Perception"

This online multimedia installation and it consists of 3 elements:

• Projection of footage
• Soundtrack on headphones 
• and You - The most important one 

You’re invited to choose or change the piece of music in relation to a video clip at any time. The conscious choice of tune, when faced with a visual and the contemplation of how the two work together, is really key.

How to experience it?

STEP 1. You need a device (phone, tablet, etc.) to play music on with headphones. 

You can download the tracks or listen to them from the folder here

STEP 2. You need a separate device to open Youtube on (laptop, desktop computer or smart TV). You can type ‘symphony of perception’ on Youtube or simply click here.

STEP 3. Play around with a soundtrack. Pay attention. Notice. Enjoy.

Symphony of Perception

I do not wish to tell stories,
I intend to envoke 
experiences.



To fuel my courage I used wonder. To take an idea and create this piece of reality from it was nerve-racking to me.
However, it still leaves me speechless how many potential impressions there could occur.

Images and the music can be combined by You as you please. This special human factor is essential. Who you are and what set of experiences, memories, and tastes you come here with becomes a unique filter. 

Every person that comes across my online installation has a chance to create not only to combine the elements in a unique way but also a guarantee of exclusive perception of it.

Dr Joe Dispenza says that we don’t see the world as it is. We see it as we are.

Mixing music, image and our perception of those is merely a metaphor. I’m illustrating situations appearing in our lives and our attitude towards them.
When it comes to events in reality, we most likely have no influence over them. The way we approach them - well, that’s the whole other story.

Winning a lottery can bring overwhelming gratitude into our hearts. Or fill our minds with worry about lifestyle inflation.

A puddle of dirty water can cover our overcoat courtesy of some careless driver. And we get angry and course their guts out or burst out laughing like a mad person.
It’s a choice. It’s always a choice.

I had two main reasons to invite you to take control of the soundtrack. One was just proving that you are indeed able to control this aspect. The other was to unblock the mechanism of using it consciously. Maybe even lay a foundation for such a habit?

Thank you for your time, attention and engagement.

All the best,

Michalina Marta Cap

And again the choice is yours.

If you wish to toss a coin to the artist here's my PayPal.Me and Patreon

If you wish to experience the installation again, the projection is here and the music here.


If you wish to share your thoughts and feelings with me or others head to the comments below